I LIKE MY COMPUTERS STUPID, THANK YOU
 By Dan Gutman

 Last week, neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University announced that they
had produced a computer image of a monkey brain as it was thinking.

 Bad move, guys.  Back up.  Set the monkey free before it's too late. Cut off
the grant money now.

 It used to be that computers were accepted as essentially stupid machines
that could only follow orders provided by software.  But for several years
now, researchers have been trying to develop the next generation of smarter
computers based on neural networks--electronic cells with thousands of
interconnections like the neurons of the brain.

 Basically, what they want to do is construct computers that function the same
way our brains function.  Not to alarm anybody, but that is probably the
dumbest move in the history of mankind.

 The human brain is a seriously flawed appliance.  Don't they realize that as
soon as computers have human-like brains, they're going to act like humans?

 Once we have a computer with a human- like brain, it will lose it's wallet,
lock its keys in the car and say the wrong thing at diner parties.  It will
forget to pay its MasterCard bill and go outside in the winter without gloves
on.

 Worst of all, if we have computers with human-like brains, computers will
start to forget where they left their umbrellas.

 I know exactly what's going to happen when they have computers modeled after
the human brain.  I'll turn on my computer in the morning, only to receive an
error message stating that the computer isn't in the mood to do any work that
day.

 When my brain-like computer finally gets down to business, it won't be able
to concentrate on what it's doing, just like a human brain. Instead of writing
today's article, it will worry endlessly about that spreadsheet it messed up
last week. Its mind will wander.  I'll be using my computer and suddenly find
it printing out erotic paragraphs about that cute IBM-compatible down the
hall.

 My computer, left to its own devices, will get writer's block. Worse still,
it will produce columns much like this one.

 I'll try to get some work done, only to find that the computer has logged
onto a network with other computers over phone lines, and they've all gone to
party for the rest of the night.  It won't be any good at all the next day.

                                    
 
 With a brain-like mind of its own, computers will insist on being paid, form
unions and insist on binding arbitration, whatever that is.

 You can see it happening already. First there was word processing, then
spelling checkers.  The next step is sure to be annoying electronic back seat
nags that use their artificial intelligence simply to complain about human
writing.  "You really shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition," it will
whine.  I'll smack it right across its screen.

 It's all well and good to make computers based on the workings of the human
brain, but who is to decide WHICH brain?  Will I get my money back if I pay
for an Einstein and find out when I open the box that the computer actually
has the brain of Captain Lou Albano?

 If computers had human-like brains, I'll tell you one thing they would do.
They wouldn't try to build computers with human-like brains, that's for sure.

 Though some may debate this point, I've already GOT a human-like brain. I
need a computer to do things my brain ISN'T capable of doing.  I want my
computer to be a faithful but stupid companion who will labor tirelessly late
into the night without complaint and follow my orders no matter how
nonsensical they may be.

 I like my computers stupid, thank you.

 If they feel this overwhelming need to model computers after something, why
don't they model one after something that makes sense--like a can opener? 
It's portable, inexpensive, simple to use, serves a useful and obvious
purpose, has few moving parts and generally lasts a lifetime.

 Best of all, it doesn't THINK.


                                    

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